/’medl/ verb. to interfere in or busy oneself unduly with something that is not one’s concern. to touch or handle something without permission. intrude. tamper. infringe. impose.
What would I be like, where would I be if I had meddled in my affairs long before? Somewhere along the line I left myself to wander wherever I would go. This is different than the saying Not All Who Wander Are Lost. That’s wandering for a purpose, even if the purpose is to wander. This is saying I hopped on any passing wind with little thought to where it was going (yes, there are always interesting unexpected bits to any wind, but this isn’t that either). This is saying I lived my life with no intention, without thinking about my thoughts, with trying to hide things from myself, things I wanted. Because I was afraid to want something other than what others thought I should want.
So I started meddling in my own affairs. I sat down with myself, and meddled through my hopes and fears, with wide open eyes and wider ears. I listened to myself, because if I didn’t, who would? I sorted my thoughts, poked my nose in where I didn’t want it. And I aired myself out so well that I could converse with any passing wind (heh, passing wind).
I thank myself for meddling. And I wonder what I would be like if I had meddled earlier. I would probably have finished writing more books and walked through more forests. I would have made more of my clothes and learned to cook earlier (though I was never banished from the stove or oven). I would have traveled to see what life was like in various places.
For so long, I stayed in school, college and university, because I was afraid to face life outside of school. I learned a lot. I met amazing people. My horizons were broadened. I had my most expensive experiences there, because of tuition. Crushingly expensive experiences. I now live a rich life with little money, full of love, writing, illustration, music, magic. Perhaps one day the right wind will carry me back to what I went to school for. Perhaps a piece of the fear remains because I am still a student, but of a much bigger world now. But for now, I am so wildly happy writing and illustrating books of magical realism and celebrating the bounties of farmer’s markets (with reusable bags ❤ ), splashing in big water, walking in the rain, getting dirty in the garden, and best of all wrapping my arms around my love.
I’m so glad I meddled.